And so it Begins...

So i may have underestimated just how difficult this was going to be. I knew i was up for a challenge but i didn't really know all that i would be up against. there are a few main problems i'm going to be running in to.

First: where to get a healthy meal at a decent price.

Well since i live in a dorm on campus, and i don't have a car to get to the nearest grocery store, when i run out of food i have to eat on campus until i can get a ride to a store. not a big deal one might think, WRONG! What does this campus provide as food? Burger King, Panda Express, Papa John's, Chick-Fil-A, and Jack In the Box. So all of these need to be taken out right now. I know that in the past i have failed because i start to feel like i can't eat anything else but lettuce and i get frustrated and give up. So this time i've decided to tell myself that nothing is off limits, but for a while i should avoid them, and if nothing else at all is possible to eat, to eat a very small amount of the best nutritional thing i can find. Essentially this is the same as cutting these things out completely but i don't feel like it is so i don't feel like i'm being deprived of anything, and therefore am not tempted to give up. Silly maybe, but effective. The only problem, THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE! I was hoping to be able to find something else in the Union that would be a healthier option, without leaving me with no money. IMPOSSIBLE! There are some healthy options on campus but they all cost an arm and a leg. I've heard of a shop that sells made to order salads, so i would be able to get my greens with some protein to feel full it would be perfect. So i just walk in the shop to check it out, their salads start at like $7 and that's without adding anything. $7 for a bowl of lettuce, wow. so if i wanted to add egg, chicken, and some tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, etc. i would already be at about $11 i'm sorry but i don't think i should have to pay that much for a salad. So I've just been having to eat at my job getting sandwiches full of veggies, low on meat, and no condiments. That still cost me about $6 but i feel that's more reasonable since i can get what i want and still be at around $6. Basically i really just need to go to the grocery store and stock up as much as possible, however that leads me to my next obstacle.

Second: A lack of prepping, storing, and cooking utilities.

While i do have a fridge to use in my room, it is a mini fridge that i share with my roommate. granted it's big enough for the two of us to share it has issues. It doesn't keep things for as long as they should be good for, and no matter how I've tried or how much we clean it, it smells! Therefore, it kinda makes things taste bad. But the biggest problem is the storage. I would love to be able to get some frozen veggies, frozen chicken, and fruits but i can't because i have nowhere to put them. I f i did i wouldn't be in such trouble trying to find something on campus because i could just make things at home. I was doing that as much as possible before i started this en-devour but then it was easier because i could buy snacky foods and be fine. That's probably not the best of ideas. i'm trying to find a solution to this but currently all i can come up with is to pay the darn $11 to get a healthy meal.

Thrid: Having time for homework and exercise.

Currently I've just finished my mid-terms and am now preparing for my finals. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but for the first time in my life i am actually anxious about a test. Even in high school if i wasn't prepared for a test i knew i'd been paying attention in class, or that i had a good enough grade that it would be ok if i didn't do so well, and i usually did just fine. I had my troubles my junior year, but even then i didn't feel so anxious. Now, however, there are a few classes that i am just not understanding even though i'm paying attention and doing my work, so i'm having to spend more time out of class to work on them. At the same time i have my job so i have to study around class, work, and now exercising. Unfortunately working out hasn't been happening as much as i'd like. I've been forced to choose between study and a run and of course i've chosen to study. I'm hoping now that things are starting to calm down a bit for the holidays, and then i'll have less of a homework load because i just need to study for my finals, that i'll be able to make more time to get some exercise done.

Fourth: Getting enough sleep.

I know that it's just as important to get enough sleep as it is to eat properly and work out when trying to loose weight. Compared to other college students I do go to bed early, but for me going to bed at 1 am and then getting up at 8 am is not enough so i end up napping during a free time that i could be working out, but i'm so tired i can't keep my eyes open. This has been slowly getting better as i've tried to change my homework routine, but some days it's just impossible to get to bed by 10 or 11.

Fifth and Final: Motivation

I'm fine with being my own motivation, but every once in a while when i know that i have some free time and i'm not tired it's hard not to sit down and watch a movie rather then go for a jog. Or when i've had a particularly long day and my roommate in her kindness asks if i want ice-cream cause she's going to get some, it's hard to say no. I think I'm going to put up some posters that are positive and remind me what i'm doing this for. I've also thought about buying a dress in a smaller size so that i have something to work toward fitting into. I'm not sure how good an idea that is though (feel free to give any ideas you may have)

All in all it's going ok. I think I've finally identified most of what is going to be a big problem for me and am trying to find ways to work around them, or change my routine so that i can fit in something better. I started this at 250 pounds (YIKES!) I know it's a lot and i hate to admit it, but if i'm not honest then i won't get anywhere. I am now at 248, so while it's not much it is a small victory and i'm going to be happy about it. I plan to really kick it in to gear this next week and get an even higher number. My end goal is to hopefully be somewhere around 150-160 pounds. That's a bit higher then what would be completely appropriate for my age and height, but i want to have a goal that feel attainable to me. Thanks so much to everyone's kind words left here, on Facebook, with texts, phone messages, or in person. I'm sorry if i don't reply to everyone, but sometimes it just gets past me. Please don't stop though i really appreciate them and they are very helpful. Here's looking for next week and hopefully at least 5 lbs more! (I'll post a picture next time so you can track the progress with me.)

89 Days and counting 'till auditions and 98lbs to go!

A Fresh Start

My whole life all I've consistently wanted to do is be on stage. For a while when i was younger i had thoughts of being the President, a vet, and i seriously considered being a super hero once. But, with all of these i realized that i really only liked to pretend to be these things, and then one day i realized i could sing. Then i heard person after person say how great a voice i have, but whenever the subject of being able to make it as a singer, or actress one day came up i always see the same shift. They automatically go into a sympathetic, fake smile and say with far too much conviction, "Sure! Honey you can be whatever you want to be."...So, okay maybe everyone didn't say that exactly, and maybe a few of them really meant it, but the problem is that i knew that no one truly and fully believed in me because they all knew that one thing is holding me back.

While i'd like to pretend that the world comes from a completely objective view with no prejudices, lets be serious, serious theater productions see the fat girl coming and they turn the other way. So how am i ever going to "make it" if i'm put in that category? I've been big my whole life and i've never been very interesting in changing that. Even though i've had people tell me how bad my health could get, that it could kill me some day, and even people go so far as to say i'd never get married and have children (which is my ultimate goal in life) i never had enough courage to change. Yes, i'm admitting, i'm a coward. I think i've been using my weight as a crutch for far too long.

I'll admit i have a hard time resisting a good mint chocolate chip ice cream, but i can't blame my sweet tooth for everything. I know that the real reason behind eating such terrible things is the fear of change. My whole life i've imagined looking like my sisters. They are both thin, gorgeous, and have great hair. Even after one of them had a baby, she still looks a million times better then i do. A ll i've ever wanted was to look half as good as they do, but i never wanted to admit that. I feel silly admitting that at all, but it's the truth. I know that i've compared myself to them and others my entire life when all they ever wanted was for me to be healthy, all i ever cared about was fitting into their hand-me-down clothes. I remember getting a dress once that wentthrough both of my sisters, and i was so excited to get it because i thought it was beautiful, but it didn't fit me, so it just hung in the closet not being used. I was devastated, but even then i didn't care or feel brave enough to change.

Now don't get me wrong i'm not blaming my sisters for anything, they have been incredible my entire life and i look up to both of them so much, but i've got to stop comparing myself to them. I usually hate it when other people do it so why do i? Because it's an excuse. That's all i can say. My weight is just an excuse, because frankly i'm scared to fail. I guess i've always thought if i didn't look like everyone else, and no one accepted me or i never got anywhere, then i could blame it on the fact that all they chose to see was my appearance. But i think i'm only giving them the opportunity to see that. I've been so afraid that if i'm not like this and i still fail, then it's really just me that they don't like and i didn't think i could take that.There may be other things that have helped get me to the state i'm at today but a lot of them are just excuses to not live up to the fact that i'm afraid to change.

But i've recently realized that i can't hide behind that anymore. My brother says all the time that if you don't like something then you are the only one who can change it. I don't know why but i only just figured out what he means and how true that is. I don't like looking like this, I don't like getting turned down because of it, and i don't like getting looks of disgust or sympathy, so why haven't i changed that? Fear. Well i'm not afraid anymore. I won't let something that is in my power to change, change how i want to live my life. There are so many things i want to do and be and i can't come to terms with them never happening, but i'm the only one who can make them happen.

Therefore, i have decided to do it, lose the weight! I've said this many times before, but for once i really feel like i can, and i actually wholeheartedly want to. One of my biggest obstacles is the fact that i'm just about to finish my first semester of college and as everyone knows, you tend to gain 15 pounds your first year of college. Well my goal is to lose it and more! I want to audition to be considered for the U of A's Musical Theater program in February. Right now i'm not even a performing arts major, but i can't lie, i really want to be. I still want to pursue my current major, Deaf studies, but i can't deny the fact that my heart belongs to the stage. I can't let my weight be a factor whether or not they accept me, so i'm not going to let it. I think if i have something that i feel responsible to, such as posting my journey on a blog for the entire world wide web to read if they wish, would be a good incentive for me not to give up.

So, here's the plan. Post about my experience and eventual success and how i'm managing to do with weekly "weigh-ins". I know that there is a lot i need to change, such as eating habits and exercise, but not just those things. I need to change the way i think about loosing weight, and about how i feel. If i don't i probably won't get anywhere. I'm a pretty cautious person, so for once in my life i'm daring to take a chance, and i'm taking it on me. Starting today i'm a changed person, and i will continue to change until i'm who i'm supposed to be. No more holding me back, if i'm gonna get criticism it's going to be specifically to improve, not because i'm giving them the opportunity to mock.

My next post will be at the end of the week when i give my first weigh-in. Today is the start of something good and new, and i know it will only get better. Wish me luck!

100 days and counting til audition time!