A Fresh Start

My whole life all I've consistently wanted to do is be on stage. For a while when i was younger i had thoughts of being the President, a vet, and i seriously considered being a super hero once. But, with all of these i realized that i really only liked to pretend to be these things, and then one day i realized i could sing. Then i heard person after person say how great a voice i have, but whenever the subject of being able to make it as a singer, or actress one day came up i always see the same shift. They automatically go into a sympathetic, fake smile and say with far too much conviction, "Sure! Honey you can be whatever you want to be."...So, okay maybe everyone didn't say that exactly, and maybe a few of them really meant it, but the problem is that i knew that no one truly and fully believed in me because they all knew that one thing is holding me back.

While i'd like to pretend that the world comes from a completely objective view with no prejudices, lets be serious, serious theater productions see the fat girl coming and they turn the other way. So how am i ever going to "make it" if i'm put in that category? I've been big my whole life and i've never been very interesting in changing that. Even though i've had people tell me how bad my health could get, that it could kill me some day, and even people go so far as to say i'd never get married and have children (which is my ultimate goal in life) i never had enough courage to change. Yes, i'm admitting, i'm a coward. I think i've been using my weight as a crutch for far too long.

I'll admit i have a hard time resisting a good mint chocolate chip ice cream, but i can't blame my sweet tooth for everything. I know that the real reason behind eating such terrible things is the fear of change. My whole life i've imagined looking like my sisters. They are both thin, gorgeous, and have great hair. Even after one of them had a baby, she still looks a million times better then i do. A ll i've ever wanted was to look half as good as they do, but i never wanted to admit that. I feel silly admitting that at all, but it's the truth. I know that i've compared myself to them and others my entire life when all they ever wanted was for me to be healthy, all i ever cared about was fitting into their hand-me-down clothes. I remember getting a dress once that wentthrough both of my sisters, and i was so excited to get it because i thought it was beautiful, but it didn't fit me, so it just hung in the closet not being used. I was devastated, but even then i didn't care or feel brave enough to change.

Now don't get me wrong i'm not blaming my sisters for anything, they have been incredible my entire life and i look up to both of them so much, but i've got to stop comparing myself to them. I usually hate it when other people do it so why do i? Because it's an excuse. That's all i can say. My weight is just an excuse, because frankly i'm scared to fail. I guess i've always thought if i didn't look like everyone else, and no one accepted me or i never got anywhere, then i could blame it on the fact that all they chose to see was my appearance. But i think i'm only giving them the opportunity to see that. I've been so afraid that if i'm not like this and i still fail, then it's really just me that they don't like and i didn't think i could take that.There may be other things that have helped get me to the state i'm at today but a lot of them are just excuses to not live up to the fact that i'm afraid to change.

But i've recently realized that i can't hide behind that anymore. My brother says all the time that if you don't like something then you are the only one who can change it. I don't know why but i only just figured out what he means and how true that is. I don't like looking like this, I don't like getting turned down because of it, and i don't like getting looks of disgust or sympathy, so why haven't i changed that? Fear. Well i'm not afraid anymore. I won't let something that is in my power to change, change how i want to live my life. There are so many things i want to do and be and i can't come to terms with them never happening, but i'm the only one who can make them happen.

Therefore, i have decided to do it, lose the weight! I've said this many times before, but for once i really feel like i can, and i actually wholeheartedly want to. One of my biggest obstacles is the fact that i'm just about to finish my first semester of college and as everyone knows, you tend to gain 15 pounds your first year of college. Well my goal is to lose it and more! I want to audition to be considered for the U of A's Musical Theater program in February. Right now i'm not even a performing arts major, but i can't lie, i really want to be. I still want to pursue my current major, Deaf studies, but i can't deny the fact that my heart belongs to the stage. I can't let my weight be a factor whether or not they accept me, so i'm not going to let it. I think if i have something that i feel responsible to, such as posting my journey on a blog for the entire world wide web to read if they wish, would be a good incentive for me not to give up.

So, here's the plan. Post about my experience and eventual success and how i'm managing to do with weekly "weigh-ins". I know that there is a lot i need to change, such as eating habits and exercise, but not just those things. I need to change the way i think about loosing weight, and about how i feel. If i don't i probably won't get anywhere. I'm a pretty cautious person, so for once in my life i'm daring to take a chance, and i'm taking it on me. Starting today i'm a changed person, and i will continue to change until i'm who i'm supposed to be. No more holding me back, if i'm gonna get criticism it's going to be specifically to improve, not because i'm giving them the opportunity to mock.

My next post will be at the end of the week when i give my first weigh-in. Today is the start of something good and new, and i know it will only get better. Wish me luck!

100 days and counting til audition time!